SpeakOpen.ly Resources

These quick checks help make sure your message lands gently.

Ask yourself:

• Am I trying to connect, or to win?
• If I received this message, would it make me feel safe?
• Is the tone steady, or is it coming from adrenaline?
• Is this the right moment, or should I wait until I’m calmer?
• Is the message clear enough that someone could read it once and understand it?

If you’re unsure:
Take a 5-minute break → reread → soften once more.

Once you’ve sent your message, give both of you breathing room.

Try this:

• Step away from your phone for 5–10 minutes
• Avoid rereading the message over and over
• Don’t try to “fix” or follow up immediately
• Let them process in their own way
• Try not to expect an instant reply — people respond better when they’re not pressured

You’ve done the hard part by communicating clearly. Give your words time to settle.

Sometimes emotions overlap and don’t feel simple. These questions can help you see what’s underneath:

• Am I hurt, scared, overwhelmed, or misunderstood?
• What part of this situation is hitting me the hardest?
• Am I reacting to the present moment, or something older?
• What do I need from the other person right now — clarity, reassurance, space, honesty?
• Is my body telling me something (tight chest, overthinking, shutting down)?

Emotions don’t need to be tidy to be real.

Use these when you’re stuck and can’t find the right words.

Pausing a conversation gently:
“I need a moment to get calm, but I’m not pulling away from you.”

Reassuring them when you’re overwhelmed:
“I care about you. I’m just having trouble expressing myself right now.”

If you need clarity:
“Can you help me understand what you were feeling in that moment?”

If you don’t want things to escalate:
“I want us to talk about this without hurting each other. Can we slow down a bit?”

If you want to reconnect after silence:
“I don’t want distance between us. Can we check in when we’re both ready?”

When you’re ready to talk in person or on the phone:

• Choose a moment when neither of you is rushing
• Speak from your own experience (“I felt…”) instead of “You always…”
• Listen without planning your next line while they’re talking
• Pause between sentences so you don’t talk from adrenaline
• Validate even if you disagree (“I hear you. That makes sense from your side.”)

Most conversations don’t need to be perfect — just honest and steady.